Tabloid Terrors 2: Nessie Tried to Pimp My Wife
Nessie is a womanizing homewrecker, and we aim to tell the world!
In this second parody of tabloids, we go after all that dwells underwater.
Find out what Fish Men are good for. Discover what sog monkeys do after dark. Join us for a giant squid orgy and learn about the world’s largest douchebag!
Here are five stories by S.D. Hintz and Jerrod Balzer, along with three by guest authors Garry Charles, Mike Jones, and Steve Vernon – who provided a twisted Captain Nothing tale.
Do you hear the Sirens’ call yet? Order your copy now!
86 page 6 X 9 Paperback
Order below through our online store, The Merchant’s Keep:
Shipping:
For orders placed within the United States & Canada, a charge of $3 per item is added to help with processing, packaging, and postage costs.
Customers outside the United States & Canada will see a charge of $6 per item to help with the extra postage.
Series Description:
You’ve never read tabloids like this before. You’ll cringe. You’ll cry. You might even vomit. But rest assured, you’ll laugh until you choke! Won’t that be fun?
Each book tackles a common tabloid theme with adult parodies. They’re not for weak stomachs or the faint of heart. So don’t blame us if you… um… die, or something.
* Not recommended for anyone under 18 years of age, or the easily offended.
Product Description:
Nessie is a womanizing homewrecker, and we aim to tell the world!
In this second parody of tabloids, we go after all that dwells underwater.
Find out what Fish Men are good for. Discover what sog monkeys do after dark. Join us for a giant squid orgy and learn about the world’s largest douchebag!
Here are five stories by S.D. Hintz and Jerrod Balzer, along with three by guest authors Garry Charles, Mike Jones, and Steve Vernon – who provided a twisted Captain Nothing tale.
Do you hear the Sirens’ call yet? Order your copy now!
Trailer:
Table of Contents:
A Heartfelt Introduction by S.D. Hintz and Jerrod
“Nessie Tried to Pimp My Wife!” by Jerrod Balzer
“Devil Whale: World’s Largest Douchebag!” by S.D. Hintz
“Porn Massacre! Calamari on the Celeste Marie” by Garry Charles
“Fountain of Youth Discovered in Fish Man’s Testicles!” by Mike Jones
“A Very Squishy Date Rape: Sog Monkeys After Dark” by Jerrod Balzer
“Cock Tower: The Cumslinger (A Sticky Poo Napkin Special Report)” by S.D. Hintz
“Battle Royale: Captain Nothing Says: ‘Hoof in Mouth is a Beach!’ Film at Eleven” by Steve Vernon
“Golden Mermaid has Shitty Midget Fetish” by Jerrod Balzer
Excerpt:
from “A Very Squishy Date Rape: Sog Monkeys After Dark” by Jerrod Balzer:
“Now, if you’ll excuse me,” the old Chinese man said, “I’m going to go masturbate. Nothing happens anymore and I don’t feel anything, but it’s still fun to do. Jo-Jo, watch the store for me.”
“Yes, Grandfather.”
Just then, Scotty heard something singing, more like humming a pleasant tune. “What is that?”
“Oh,” the boy said. “It’s the moogie-pie. He does that sometimes.”
Scotty looked around. “Where is it?”
The old man said, “It’s up my ass.”
“No, seriously.”
“I am serious.” He turned around, lifted his robe, and bent over. His butt was spread wide and a cute, furry face was staring and humming from between the cheeks.
“Is that really a… a…”
The creature stopped humming and smiled. “Moogie-pie!”
Scotty pointed at it, astonished. “What is it doing in your ass?!”
The man looked over his shoulder to answer. “It keeps my sores from rubbing together. That and it’s so soft. It feels good there.”
“But that’s cruel!”
“It’s centuries old and will live centuries longer. After all the protection I’ve given it in my lifetime, a few years up an old man’s ass won’t matter.”
Scotty didn’t know how to respond to that. He pondered for a moment and then said, “But won’t it multiply if you get it wet? What if your cheeks get sweaty or you have a wet fart?”
The man lowered the robe and straightened up a little to face him. The moogie-pie said a muffled, “Buh-bye.”
“Don’t concern yourself with that,” he said. “I’m so old, I don’t sweat. My farts are dust, and I shit little pebbles that move around the creature. And the moogie-pie loves it! It gathers the shit pebbles up and throws them into the toilet for me.” He chuckled. “I don’t even have to sit down.”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Look.” The old man was growing angry now. “Do you have any idea how much pain you’re causing me? I really want to masturbate and you’re keeping me from it! If you will leave now and forget you ever saw this place or my precious moogie-pie, I will throw in something extra to go with your sog monkeys.”
Praise:
“What in the blue fuck…? I can’t decide if Nessie is pure genius or the insane scribblings of some truly twisted nuts. I suspect that it’s most likely a little of both. I laughed… I cried… I threw up a little in my mouth. If that’s not a ringing endorsement then I don’t know what is.” ~ Bob Freeman, author of Shadows Over Somerset and Keepers of the Dead
“From warped, delightful imaginations come sick, savage tales that will leave you grinning. Tabloid Terrors brings fake journalism to a new low. Don’t let these people date your daughter…” ~ Scott Nicholson, author of The Skull Ring
“Squeamish readers and calamari-phobics beware-Tabloid Terrors 2 is highly offensive and distasteful fun! Sea creatures around the planet are conspiring revenge against the writers, so when reading this book it is advisable to avoid all bodies of water including lochs, streams, oceans, geysers and bathtubs. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!” ~ Fran Friel, Bram Stoker Award finalist and author of Mama’s Boy and Other Dark Tales
Review Links:
